If Zombies Attack, Run For Your Billiard Room

             Zombie attacks are becoming more and more frequent. With accounts piling up all over the United States, the undead outbreak poses a greater and greater threat to the lives of you and your family. Most people believe that finding a crowded place or well-known landmark will provide safety in numbers, only to find themselves screaming in agony when they become part of an undead smorgasbord. What most people do not realize is that one of the safest places to be during a zombie attack, if accessible to you, is your home billiard room. Sure, your kitchen is full of sharp weapons…and plenty of windows to be easily seen by wandering corpses. And do not even think of stepping foot outside to get a shovel or pick axe out of your tool shed; going outdoors amidst a hoard of undead is nothing short of suicide.

            Why a billiard room, you ask? A number of reasons exist, with some being more obvious than others. First of all, any room inside of your home is far more zombie-proof than any public place, because it is private and quiet. Attention is drawn to loudness and chaos, and the undead are said to have heightened sensory perception, being able to hear, see, and smell their “food” from great distances. Being in your home will attract virtually no unwanted attention and allow you to keep a low profile, therefore keeping you much safer.

            Your home billiard room is a superb location to set up your defenses and ward off a potential zombie threat. An upstairs billiard room is ideal, as the undead have a major problem with stairs, but let’s focus on a downstairs billiard room, as that is more practical.

            First, no matter where your billiard room is located in your home, make sure you have an accessible escape route. Placing yourself in a “one way in, one way out” situation may seem logical and safe at first, but it also traps you in a corner once the walking dead break in. And believe me. They WILL get in! A tiny little basement window or a hidden hole in the wall leading to another room will usually suffice.

            Next, a major advantage of a billiard room is the furniture it contains, especially the pool table. Because of its sheer size, a pool table has many defensive uses. Pushing a pool table up against a closed billiard room door, stacked high with bar stools, pub tables, lights, chairs and anything else you can find will create a strong and heavy barrier against you and the undead hoard. Plus, a pool table is both long and wide, making it hard for a zombie to grab you and pull you in for the “bite of death.” Or perhaps you could even get more creative. If you have access to a saw and firearms, saw your billiard room door in half horizontally, so that the top part will swing open while the bottom part is barricaded by the pool table. Now you have yourself an undead shooting gallery. Just hope and pray that you do not run out of bullets before you run out of zombies to shoot.

            A ton of other items in your billiard room are quite effective in hand-to-hand combat. Remember, to kill a zombie, it must suffer massive brain trauma, as its brain is the only part of it that is still somewhat alive. Crushing a zombie’s skull with a couple of billiard balls shoved in your sock is usually an effective method. Or crack a pool cue in half. Pool cues make great weapons against the walking dead's mushy skin and skull, especially since a pool cue is long and pointed to begin with. Just keep in mind that sharp, pointed objects and bludgeoning items work best. Broken pool cues, darts, your collection of beer mugs, and even some furniture provide as great stabbing weapons and projectiles. Even the legs of your bar stools can be used to impale a zombie in the forehead. Or turn the bar stool around and use it as a bat, as long as you are strong enough to swing it repeatedly with speed and accuracy. Hitting a zombie in the head hard enough with any object, even your hand (although doing this will put you at severe risk of infection), can result in a zombie kill.