My Worst Zombie Encounter To Date: Billiard and Bar Stools on Main

I am transmitting this message as a warning to all living humans in or around the vicinity of Springfield. Stay clear of Billiard and Bar Stools on Main Street. It is crawling with undead…well, was. I was just there, and, quite honestly, don’t know how I am still breathing. Earlier today, I took it upon myself to venture out and find replacement billiard cue sticks, since my last, remaining billiard cue stick had been damaged beyond repair in an earlier country store skirmish when I went out in search of food…and dog treats. Talk about the Podunk family from hell. These undead were a literal walking nightmare. I broke my strongest graphite cue over papa zombie’s ugly head, then used the nub to impale ma, junior, and the twins.

 Anyway, I digress. I went out alone to ensure discreetness and avoid detection by the undead. I had done this plenty of times before with no problems, not only to avoid risking the safety of others in the group, but also to allow for the highest level of stealth. If everyone else is back at “home billiard room base,” I won’t have to worry about my position being compromised.

 Since Billiard and Bar Stools on Main Street was only a few blocks away from the country store I had just visited, I decided to go there, in hopes of finding plenty of billiard pool cues and balls (or zombie weapons) lying around, still up for grabs. I knew the risk would be somewhat higher, since Billiard and Bar Stools lies in the heart of the Springfield Strip, but finding more cue sticks was a necessity, as my supply at home was completely diminished. I pried open the side door at Billiard and Bar Stools with my mammoth-sized crow bar (I have yet to be able to locate a smaller one), which immediately caught the attention of three undead behind the bar. I could barely step inside before they were on me like a buzzard on a gut wagon, grabby arms and all. I fought them off and disposed of them accordingly, but swinging around that heavy crowbar already had me winded.

 The entire billiard hall was pretty much in shambles. Table felt ripped apart, billiard cue racks and bar stools thrown around, blood everywhere. I didn’t have much time to look around before more zombies began lunging at me-and from every direction, no less. Naturally, the only half-full cue rack I spotted was on the other side of the pool hall. Without delay, I made haste towards it, splitting open a fresh zombie skull every step. After jumping over two billiard tables and crawling under another, I was able to grab a stray cue stick from the ground next to me. Upon standing, I broke the cue in half over my knee to make two weapons instead of one. I had to sacrifice length and a safer distance of a longer stick due to the insanely, exponential amount of undead opponents. Plus, swinging a heavy crow bar in one hand and a pool cue in the other will severely throw off your balance, possibly hurling yourself unexpectedly into a zombie’s relentless clutch.

 After a few seconds of this continuous nonsense, I realized that there was no getting out of there alive until every last zombie inside Billiard and Bar Stools was dead. One after another they fell, as the undead hoard quickly became reduced to a pile of rotting stench. After dropping the last one and finishing off a few crawlers, my eyes once again fixed upon the cue stick rack in the corner. As my heart rate slowed, I hurried over and gathered the pool cues into a bundle. I collected my things, including a few billiard balls (a billiard ball or two inside a tube sock makes for a great bludgeoning weapon), and left, despite several faint moans coming from the heap of undead covering the billiard hall floor.

 Billiard and Bar Stools sure used to be a fun place to visit. Not anymore. Damned undead. Will this madness ever stop? It seems to be getting worse…more and more undead and less and less living. If the little community of Springfield is this bad, what about other cities…bigger cities? My “home billiard room base” is becoming the only place left where I feel somewhat safe, and my counterparts all agree. Remember, if you must go out, be extremely cautious, as we are on the brink of war with a very instinctive, yet apathetic rival. Going out alone is becoming increasingly risky. And for God’s sake-and your own-take a sturdy weapon, either a crow bar, pool cue, or something similar. Stay alive!! Future transmissions upcoming…